So last night I bled. I bled and bled and bled. When this happens there is a process: first I hear a tinkle of what sounds like water dropping into the toilet pan. I can’t feel anything as I’m paralysed and so quickly place a kitchen towel under my backside and lift it back to see what is on it. In this case there was bright red blood. Immediately my face feels flush and my chest feels tight. I can’t NOT go to the loo, but do I sit bleeding for an hour?
I get a kitchen towel and press. Blood soaks the towel and I feel it’s warmth on my hand. I then hear the tinkle of the blood run off the towel and hand and into the pan and so change the towel. This goes on, and on, and on until after an hour I know that I am empty. Empty of shit and empty of emotion – or rather numb of emotion. But I haven’t felt faint so can’t have lost too much blood.
My days are filled with issues of how to manage this. Movicol, Iron, Ducalease, Microlax, sit alongside, Atenolol, Omaprozole and Warfarin. These sit alongside, leg bags, night bags, glue, and the list goes on….
Why should this lack of control make me suicidal? I wake after the bad night and then try and move on and away from the experience. This is where photography comes in. I process the images and try to expunge the experience. However there is always a residual left that builds up over time.
I see the specialist on November 19th and hope for a surgical answer to this problem.
This is better viewed here on Flickr for its texture and colour.