Administration and Tears

Yesterday was hectic. In between the calls to and from district nurses, carers and suppliers of things dad needs, he would phone and not answer. This happened five times. I’d picked up and hear him and call out “dad” but then he’d not say anything.

Anyway the administrative calls took up the morning and a strange thing happened. While I was talking to the district nurse about getting dad assessed for a hospital bed to use at home so the carers can do their job more easily I burst into tears. I don’t mean tears rolled down my cheeks and I could continue talking. I mean full on balling my eyes out crying like a 4 year old.

Later on, and even though I was supposed to be making a video for Thursday’s symposium, I found myself reading poems that reflected dad’s predicament and my feelings about it (ie very equivocal). Thus while Thomas’ poem speaks to me it does not speak for me as I do not want dad to “rage against the dying of the light” but rather embrace that sleep from which we never wake.

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night?

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas, 1914 – 1953

old man  (1 of 1)

Today I am going to create the video and do nothing else. Thereby I can lose myself in that activity.

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About Pete

South Londoner struggling with life, art and photography.
This entry was posted in Dad (2016) and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Administration and Tears

  1. Carol Street says:

    Oh Pete, big hugs. Thinking of you and totally understand the tears – nature’s way of releasing emotions. Really hope it helped and was cathartic.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Catherine says:

    I hope the tears helped too to relieve some of the tension and fear. Hug from me too.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This must be such a difficult time for you to face. I hope you have support. Be gentle with yourself too and allow the ‘balling like a 4 year old’ to happen whenever it it must.

    Liked by 1 person

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